I kept my big mouth shut!!!

Hubby will be home tomorrow evening but already I am singing "I did it! I did it! I can't believe I did it!"

By that I mean I cannot believe I went 14 entire days and never once did I slip or give into pressure and reveal my little secret! Oh it was tough believe me. The subject of pregnancy seemed to jump out from everywhere. I swear my BFF was trying to test me today by bringing up babies and pregnancy every chance she got. (Pretty sure she suspects it.) Anyway, I honestly didn't think I could go that long and not spill the beans.

A couple of times with a couple of different people I swear the conversation circled right around and opened it's self up for the perfect opportunity to tell. Its like the universe was temping me! What kept me going was the longer I lasted not telling anyone the longer I wanted to go. Also just the thought of how DH would feel if he was not the first person to know besides me, kept my jaw wired shut in those instances where I came close.

 I love him so much! I cannot wait to see his face! I'm going to have to tell him relatively soon after he gets home tonight because I am definitely a lot "thicker" than I was when he left three weeks ago, it won't take him long to figure out what my pudgy middle and ginormous boobs mean.

Part of me is just the a tiny bit nervous that he is going to be more stressed out than happy. Not that he will be upset, I'm just thinking he is going to be in a bit of shock. After all I don't think he really thought this would happen within our given time frame. It will all work out in the end thought! He loves kids more than any man I've ever known. I think he was just stuck in the thought that he would always be a one child daddy.

Some days I think he is still in awe over our two year old. That is going to be the toughest for him to wrap his mind around; her not being the baby.  I really hope with my heart and soul that this new baby is a boy, I think that will make it easier for DH to accept this life change. So far I've had minimal morning sickness and that's how it was when I was prego with my son. (My two daughters I had more than morning sickness, Hyperemesis gravidarum where it does not stop. Without intervention with meds I would have dehydrated and ended up in the hospital.) I'm a tiny worried about multiples with how much weight I've already gained. Anyway, I hope the next 12 hours fly by so I can get this lovely secret out into the open where it belongs! 

Breakdown!

I had a crying breakdown in front of my MIL at the family reunion last weekend. To be fair it was a
a hellish time and I was beyond my wits end. According to MIL, all meals would be provided. I only had to bring a potato salad for the group and my own drinks. (Easy peasy, right?)

So I packed up my SUV full as a stupid clown car and made the two and a half hour drive out of state. DH was not able to attend due to work his schedule. (Even though its his family. Ah, Life as an oilfield wife!) Normally with out DH I would have just skipped the occasion altogether, but last year my FIL was diagnosed with cancer. Its not clear on how long he has live and he was the person actually hosting the reunion (probably for the last time ever). So even though it was a HUGE pain in the ass, I felt obligated (to my husband and to my kids) to go.

The ride up took longer than expected so we were hungry when we arrived at camp. (The last 45 minutes of the drive were in the middle of nowhere or else I would have stopped for some food.) After the kids complained for the 50th time that they were starving, MIL finally served the dinner she brought. Rolls, mayo, mustard, turkey, cheese and pickles. No lettuce, no onions, no salad or potato chips (the salad I brought was for the next night) no desert. Bare bones. Hmm. Okay, whatever I understand you usually want to take it easy the first night, setting up camp and all. We went to bed with growling tummies. Mine especially.

I woke early the next morning, the poppy-seed-sized-human in my belly was very eager for a hot, hearty, mountain breakfast! Mmmm. You know, the kind you have when your in the great outdoors! I waited patiently for everyone else to wake up, fighting off my empty stomach nausea as best as I could. Finally they started putting table cloths on the pic-nick tables. My insides churned with anticipation! My belly was sore and threatened to let loose what little stomach bile it contained if I did not fill it up with something very soon. Finally the moment had arrived! Breakfast is served! Ta -duh!

. . . cold cereal, bagels with two kinds of cream cheese and bananas.

WHAT ... THE ... FUCK ... ??? The growing beast within my tummy roared. Fruit and bagels are NOT a proper breakfast! They are a side dish, they are a snack they are a treat! For the love of FOOD that was NOT . . . BREAKFAST!

I gagged down what I could with the dim hope that the food situation could only get better from there.

Lunch rolled around. Cold turkey sandwiches AGAIN. (At least this time they had tomatoes and lettuce.) Zero for three.

Dinner time and halleluiah! Praise Allah or Jebus or whomever you want, they were serving juicy, hot, grilled HAMBURGERS! MIL had asked to store some burger meat in my fridge. When they started the grill I asked three different times if I should go get the meat from my fridge. Each time I was told no, not yet.

Anxious relatives lined up for the burgers that were done. "Get in there NOW!" my poppy seed screamed to me. Of course at this point I'm doing the mom juggling act of carrying two plates, two forks, two napkins, two drinks, keep track of my two year old and fill up the plates as I went along. Struggle, struggle, struggle. A few rude family members actually passed by and butted directly in line in front of me because I was "too slow" they chuckled. Fix in's for the burgers were slim again (I'm all about the "fix-ins" if you can't tell!) mayo & ketchup (no mustard) pickles and buns (no cheese, onions, lettuce or tomato).  My homemade potato salad was the only descent dish. Ooooh my BIL had the tenacity to open a few boxes of instant mac n cheese for his contribution of a side, other BIL did a "Suddenly Salad" from a box and SIL was in charge of desert and forgot completely. (How in the HELL do you just FORGET desert for SIXTY PEOPLE?)

FINALLY! I made it through the line with my two plates. Turned to gather my baby and head for the tables when from behind MIL asked "Can you go get that burger meat from your fridge now?"
 I saw stars I was so flipping angry. My face must have said it all as I slowly turned towards MIL, hands full, two year old screaming as if she's possessed by a demon due to lack of warm, nutritious meals the past two days. I sighed the hugest, loudest sigh I could muster. SIL quickly volunteered to take my key and fetch the meat. "Yes, you do that woman who has ONE child to care for AND A husband to help you." I said to myself in my head. If I don't eat this right now I'm going to fucking pass out here in the woods.

 So between all of this "food drama" insert that handful of relatives who breeze past you as if you are invisible and those relatives so ignorant everything out of their mouth is an insult. Among sixty some odd people you'd think there would be at least one who wanted to talk to or hang out with me. After getting squeezed out of or straight up ignored by four or five different group conversations, I gave up and resorted to sitting completely alone in camp chair. And I sat and I sat and I sat. For one whole hour I sat watching the groups before me interact. The entire time I sat out the only person who acknowledged me was my youngest nephew-in-law and that was only to drive his Match Box monster truck up my face. (Sweet boy.)

Looking around I realized that absolutely NONE of these people (not even my MIL and FIL) cared that I was there. Here I was, sacrificing my time, money, comfort and energy for my husbands family and not a single, solitary one of them gave a rat's ass! My SIL twice excluded my oldest daughter (her step-niece to be technical, although I must point out we don't like using that word to describe any relationship in our family.  "Step" is a demeaning term IMO.) but made a huge point to include my other two daughters (who are bio to my hubby, so SIL's blood relatives.) which made my oldest daughter cry. I was so done.

My kids and I went to bed early. Rose at 6AM and began feverishly packing my SUV before anyone else in the camp even woke up. I was nearly done when MIL crawled out of her tent to use the restroom. I informed her we were leaving before breakfast as we desperately needed a hot meal.  (Guess what was on the breakfast menu?!? Fruit and bagels! Oh my!) She understood and offered her assistance in packing. I did need help breaking down my youngest daughter's pack n play. MIL snap down the sides so I could do the rest. At least I tried to do the rest. For some damn reason the thing wouldn't fold up properly at the top and it was hanging half open. My vehicle was full on the ride up and now we had an extra body (middle daughter had to meet up with us at the reunion) so there was absolutely no way the pack n play was going to fit in my SUV half open.

I. Fucking. Lost. It.

The tears came like Niagara Falls and I started wailing. Fucking WAILING like a dying, wild animal! There have only been a couple of times in my life I've been so upset I've actually resorted to wailing.

"I just want to go home!!!" I sobbed.

"I just want to eat some real food!!!" I snorted.

Pretty sure the entire camp heard me, but my emotions were a run away freight train.  MIL came to see what was wrong. When she saw my pathetic state she stopped dead in her tracks and pulled me in. As she hugged me emotions came flooding again, even worse this time, sobbing & snorting uncontrollably into her shoulder. Then came the damn hiccups. The deep kind where you can't speak straight and your whole body trembles like a earthquake at each one. When she finally let me go, MIL grabbed the still half open pack n play and said "I've got room for this so don't even stress about it."

I have never in my life been so grateful nor felt such relief.

Gotta love hormones! 

So when we finally tell her I'm pregnant I predict her exact words will be "I knew it."

Equal opportunity bigot . . . for good reason though.

I did write yesterday I just didn't get a chance to put it up. Had an issue with my neighbors so I wrote them a letter. First a little back ground.

I have annoying neighbors. There I said it.

Okay, okay . . . I fucking HATE my neighbors. There I said it. For the ten thousandth time.

I am not a racist but you could call me an equal opportunity bigot if you wanted to. It is my humble opinion that 99.8% of this planet is populated with jerks, fiercely looking out for only themselves. Basically, I dislike/distrust nearly everyone regardless of race, creed, sex, ethnicity or religion.  (Everyone's an asshole!)
 
That being said this is not a story about race. It is about annoying neighbors.

We have lived here in relative peace going on our fourth year now. At the start of summer our neighbors built a very nice patio and awning which I thought looked great. I was happy they were able to make improvements to their home.

Unfortunately since the patio was built they have hosted several large parties with loud music well into the night and early morning. On one occasion they literally woke me and my entire household out of a dead sleep at 2AM. At that point I donned my fuzzy, pink bathrobe, walked out onto my back porch and yelled at them to keep it the fuck down. (Crotchety old ladies in fuzzy bathrobes unite!!)


The next day I tried speaking to the son (who was the host of that particular party). He was rude, disrespectful, tried to intimidate me and never stopped rolling his eyes.

A few days later my hubby was home. The son and father (owner of the home) apologized to him about the situation. (Funny since DH was not here for that incident . . . nor has he been home for ANY of their parties. They seem to do it when they know I'm here alone We thought the issue was solved.

Wrong. This past weekend I had the pleasure of laying in bed until 11:30 PM (I usually to go to bed at 9PM! I NEED MY BABY GROWING SLEEP!) listening to the "Oom Pah-pah, oom pah-pah, eye-yeye-yeye-eye! Yippee! Horns, horns and more horns. Oom pah-pah, oom pah-pah!" of their music. I went out to yell from my porch again but this time instead of finding the son and his hoodlum friends it was the dad and ten other grown ass adults! I didn't dare confront them, as DH is still 900 miles away and my kiddos are inside, alone, unprotected. (There are just too many fucked up, violent, out of control domestic situations these days! Some involving neighbors!)

So I took my anger to the key board. By the time I was done editing I felt like a dirty hippie singing "Kumbaya my neighbors! Kumbaya!" (What the hell has happened to me?!?) Anyway, here is my letter:

"Dear Neighbor,

    We have lived next door to each other going on four years now. In four years we have never had a problem with noise. I don’t know what has changed but this summer your home has been host to several large, loud parties that go on well after 10 PM.

    I’m not trying to be mean or cause problems, but sleep is a God given right to all human beings. Perhaps you are not aware but when you have parties on your back yard patio it keeps up or wakes up every person in my house. All bedrooms in my home are located near your patio or driveway.

    Even with our windows shut, when your family is outside “partying” they tend to “shout” when they speak and its usually four or five people all “shouting” at the same time trying to have a conversation. I’ve also laid in bed listening to extremely loud hollering, hooting, cheering and laughing. (Maybe you aren’t aware but the giant, concrete wall in our back yards echos EVERYTHING.)
Music during your late parties is also a nuisance. Even when you turn it down, if its outside at all the bass bounces off the concrete wall and right into my house.

    I have spoke to your son about this twice already. You have spoken to my husband about it. I feel we have been nice enough about this.

    I DON’T WANT ANY TROUBLE.

    ALL I AM ASKING:

•    PLEASE TAKE YOUR PARTIES INSIDE YOUR HOME AFTER 10 PM.

•    PARTY ALL YOU WANT BETWEEN 7AM AND 10 PM.

•    CITY QUIET HOURS ARE 10PM TO 7AM.

    Let’s be respectful, helpful, kind neighbors to one another. There is too much negativity and violence in the world today. Neighbors should be courteous, respectful and helpful instead of rude and annoying. This neighborhood is home to us all so let’s please be civil and mindful of each other!

    If you have any questions or feel the need to discuss this matter you may speak to my husband when he gets home .
    Thank you."   

I'm not on welfare, so what business is my fertility of yours?!?

This may sound extremely weird and probably makes zero sense but I've been dreading telling everyone about this baby for years now. My heart told me about this last little soul when my current "baby" was about six months old, she is now 2 years, three months old. I knew then as well as now that absolutely no one was/is going to be thrilled about this baby.

It all started back when I was pregnant with my current "baby" (instead of current "baby" from here out out I'll refer to her as Miss. B). I went out to breakfast with my mom, step-dad, grandpa, uncle and my (then) three kids. As we were saying our goodbyes I made a comment about the next time I saw my Uncle hopefully I'd have my baby. For some reason he got confused and thought I was saying that after the baby I was currently pregnant with, I would have another one. When he realized that was not what I was saying he flipped out.

"I thought you were going to have another one after that one! I was like holy hell! How many kids ya gonna have?!?! Ahahahahahaha!" The rest of my family, including my own kids joined him in his hysterical fit of laughter.  Immediately this whole scene struck me right in the heart. So what if I wanted another kid after this one? Why did they seem to care so much? I don't ask any of them to babysit or for money. I felt very sad. I felt like a joke.

So now here I sit and aside from telling my husband, I do not look forward to telling anyone. Which is extremely sad because I truly wanted this baby with my heart of hearts! I achieved a goal that I really wanted to achieve. A goal that I honestly did not think I was going to achieve. And now I feel like I can't even relish in my victory because of all the judgment that will immediately be thrown my way. I can hear it all now . . .

"Five kids?!? Who in their right mind can afford to have five kids these days?!"

"Another kid? Holy hell, ain't she got her hands full enough as it is?"

"What is she possibly thinking? She's almost 33 for Christ sake!" (In UT it is custom to pop out as many kids as possible between the ages of 20 and 30. After that you are considered "mid-life" or "old".) 

"What a HUGE age gap between kids! I can't believe she'd do that!" (My oldest will be 13 when this baby comes)

"That's just not fair of her to bring another kid into that messed up lifestyle they live!"

"They better not expect me to ever baby sit five kids!"

"Did she turn Mormon and not tell anyone?"

"What does she think its her job to repopulate the god damn Earth?"

"Three kids with three different dads! At least now she'll have a pair by the same man!"

So as you can tell, I'm not expecting much support. After I tell DH the plan is not to tell anyone else and let them figure it out for their damn selves! No need to make an "announcement" when I'm convinced all I'll get is put down for it. It won't be difficult for our friends to figure out. The very second  I say "No thanks" to an ice cold Bud Light every one of them is going to know I am pregnant. I DO NOT REFUSE BEER . . . EVER. The only exception I've ever made is during pregnancy.  They won't mind that I'm having another one, they'll just be a little disappointed that I am out of the drinking scene for the holidays.

As for our family members I need to come up with some catchy come backs. Something along the lines of
"My vagina! My business! My vagina! My business!"
or
"Well you know we just LOVE to have sex SOOOOO much! I mean we just can't EVER keep away from each other We're like RABBITS!!!"

 
 

No one is perfect . . . damn it!

So my goal was to write every single day for thirty days in a row and I fucked it up on day ... drum roll please ... day three! Oops. Normally I would beat myself up for failing my goal so quickly but I'm not because I spent last night making a tutu for my daughter (Productive!! Yay!).

Normally I could blame drinking beer and say that I forgot or fell asleep but since finding out about this baby I have not drank a drop of alcohol. My mind is clear and frankly I'm so damn tired as it is I think any amount of alcohol would all the more facilitate my trip to nighty-night . (I'm waking every morning between 4:30 and 5 AM because I've been going to be so early because I'm so exhausted! The later I try to stay up the earlier I end up going to sleep.) 

At this point I'm wondering if hubby has an idea as to what is going on. Let's list the ways that he could possibly know:

1. I yawn constantly.
2. I bitch about waking up so early because I cannot stay awake at night. 
3. I've said several times "I don't need any stress right now. I'm just trying to relax and stay very calm because I just cannot be stressed out right now." (duh!)
4. He keeps trying to make plans for around when I'm due to which I am forced to give a vague "Hmm. Mumble, mumble, grumble. Maybe babe. Grumble, mumble . . ."
5. I haven't bitched about my period at all. 
6. He keeps trying to spend money on things like guns. Don't get me wrong, I fucking LOVE guns. But, when I'm about to be faced with a few thousand dollars in hospital bills . . . guns can wait for a minute. Anyway, this forces me to say "Hmm. There are so many other things we could spend money on right now."
7. I kicked our "baby" (our youngest) out of her crib and into a big girl bed within a matter of days of getting a positive pregnancy result. 
8. I've been stressing to hubby the need to get our "baby" out of diapers ASAP. He's like "Relax! We have time!" Grumble, grumble, mumble. 

Anyway, at this point if he doesn't at least expect it a little bit I will laugh!

Keeping busy.

Time can be my most precious asset and also my wost enemy. Right now we aren't getting along as I have exactly one week until my best friend and lover comes home. Tick-tock, tick-tock. It doesn't help that I wake up every morning at 4:30 AM, that makes for a very long day.

Aside from battling old Father Time, my husband's best friend's girlfriend decided she hates my guts. Why? I have absolutely no clue. Normally I couldn't care less what an overweight, fire crotch, lazy, leach thought of me but this situation is a little trickier. My husband and her boyfriend have asked us to "work it out" for the sake of their friendship. I figured when DH (dear hubby) and his BFF got home from work in a week the four of us would sit down like adults. Boy was I wrong!

After treating me like dirt to my face she has the audacity to send me a message (that she had to PAY for) via Face Book. Face Book, really! As poorly as she treated me at our last encounter, the least she could do it apologize to my face. She used words liked "it has come to my attention" and "sincerely" but never "I'm sorry" or and actual "I apologize" it was what I like to call a "non-apology".  A wordy speech that basically sounds like an apology but if you read carefully it never actually uses the term "I'm sorry". If you decipher it  says something more along the lines of "I'm sorry I got called out for acting liked a shit head. Pretty, pretty, please with a cherry on top let it go before my hopeful of a Fiance' becomes more of an EX!"

Anyway, I've been trying not to let it stress me out but her creeping into my FB makes it difficult.
Trying to stay stress free, drink lots of water and not over do it physically for this little bit of magic holding on for dear life inside of my uterus. I think making this little bit of magic's presence known will be a HUMONGOUS burden off of my shoulders.

Until then maybe I'll read up on how to meditate. Never done it before, but at this point, it can't hurt!

There is always a last time.

One week ago today I found out that I am going to be a mama again. For the fifth and final time in my life. I am overjoyed because within my heart of hearts I knew that this soul was absolutely needed to complete our family. This feeling of fulfillment brings me irrefutable relief that I have not had in . . . well probably ever.

 I have yet to tell anyone, including my husband of the magnificent, tiny life growing furiously within me. (Which as made for the longest two weeks of my life!) My hubby works out of state for 21 to 28 days at a time. This child is going to be a huge surprise for him and since it is definitely our last, I feel that I must tell him in person next week.

I won't lie, I'm stressing just a little bit about breaking the news. He wasn't sure he was 100% on board with having another child. In fact, it became such a sore subject a couple of years ago that we both started to shut each other out which caused our marriage start sinking fast. Thankfully we gave it one last shot and luckily found a great couple's therapist who realized we had a communication problem and not an actual relationship problem. We learned to communicate and our marriage flourished. We were best friends again!

I was elated to have my partner back but after a little bit of time the need to complete my family grew stronger than ever. I began "trying by myself" if that is even possible. (Initiating sex when I knew I was ovulating. Trying to get him to go inside of me by certain positions and or faking an orgasm when he was ready to "go" in the hopes that he wouldn't pull out. A couple of times I even mixed him a couple of super strong whiskey and cokes right before bed thinking it would slow his reaction time.) Needless to say, none of it worked. I've come to the conclusion my husband is a fucking "pull-out-pro".

Time was running out; my youngest child was now two my original thoughts had been to have another child by the time she was two. Also being in my early thirties . . . I don't want to be raising/popping out babies forever!

Depression started to try and sneak its ugly way in as this dream of mine was ticking away. Thoughts constantly spun my head, clarity was non existent. Upon realizing what was happening I put to use what we learned in therapy and had a talk with my husband.  We came to a compromise; as long as I would not "try" to get pregnant (meaning no ovulation predictors, no basal body temping, etc.) He would start being more lenient with his "pulling out" method and if it was meant to be nature would take its course. We would go on this way until the end of this year. Due to work schedules this gave us only three possible tries. (Meaning only three times left in the year where he would be home anywhere near my fertile time. I refrained from sharing that tid bit of info with him, as he would probably have looked at it as "trying" but hey, I can't help that I know my cycle that well!)

 To my absolute shock and amazement, we got it on the second shot!

I expect my hubby to be pretty stunned when he gets home next week and I finally break the news to him. Even though he agreed to be open to it in the terms we set forth, I don't think he ever expected anything to come of it. In fact when we speak over the phone he keeps talking about going on  a turkey hunt right when I am due. I just keep telling him "Hmm. Maybe Hun, we'll see."
I sure hope this next week goes by faster than the last one! I am one moody bitch so its getting more difficult to hide!