So I took a little break from writing for a while. (So much for my 30 day challenge. Oh well what can I say? Growing a human isn't easy for some of us, OK?!?!) Honestly, I've been so sick and tired I haven't had the heart to write. Or do much of anything aside from the necessary basics to keep the kids alive and the house from burning to the ground. So far so good.
As the island of "normalcy" has long faded from sight I find myself surrounded by the utter vastness that is the ocean I have named "I cannot even remember what normal
is anymore". I find myself talking in depth to my best girl friend about her everyday, mundane activities just so for a moment I can live vicariously through her and remember what its like to have an actual desire for ...
anything besides a cheeseburger and bed by 8 PM.
Alas! I consider time my friend as much as my foe. (back of my hand to my forehead in a dramatic gesture.) I am in my last week of the precarious "first trimester". In three days I'll be 13 weeks and into the coveted "second" trimester. This fact is bitter sweet for me. As much as I do
not enjoy feeling like a giant pile of dog poo this is in deed the
last first trimester I will have in my life.
On one hand, its a difficult task to let go of one's fertility forever. I've been dealing with my period since my 12th birthday, birth control since my 15th and pregnancy/child birth since my 20th. I've had unintended pregnancies and pregnancies planned with near military precision/timing. I've had boys and girls. I've had a loss. I've had scares. I've taken the "morning after" pill. I've never had an abortion but I have been in the position to consider it. I've rejoiced. I've cried uncontrollably. But I've never had any regrets. My point to all this is that my "fertility" has been at the forefront of my life now for
21 years!
On the other hand, I do have a sense of relief in finally feeling like my family is "complete". The idea of being done makes me realize that once this baby is school age my life will be (somewhat) "mine" again. (
Disclaimer: I know one never stops being a mother, it is a job for a lifetime. I am saying there is definitely something liberating about not having to wipe another human's shit covered ass anymore or bathe the dirt/stink off of them.) It makes me see a different kind of light at the end of this parenting tunnel.
Someday my hubby and I will have each other all to ourselves! I love thinking of the adventures we could have, the places we could travel. Coming back "home" once or twice a year to visit the "kids" and the "grand kids". Being free with just the two of us. Its a very strange concept as I've said I became a mom at 20 so thinking about myself hasn't truly happened in about 13 years.
As I continue along this pregnancy "cruise" I will do my best to relish in every single day. Even the days I dry heave so hard I piss my pants, because I know these days are swiftly coming to an end.
